These Were The Foreigners

These people come from a faraway land, a land where they love snapshots. The people in this place are not good at reading facial expressions. That's why they use arrows, giant words and hand gestures to denote emotions.

I asked Scott Davis, a UCLA specialist on this land, and he says that the man in this photo is sad because his hands will not hold more photographs in delightful fan pattern. The woman is consoling him by jabbing his cheek with her religion finger.

Whoa!

Did you see this monkey? He is wearing a T-shirt. Normally when I see a monkey they are not wearing T-shirts. This monkey, is. This puts my entire concept of monkeys on its head. This must be a special monkey, one with access to T-shirts. Incredible.

Champ

Champ was a slack-jawed yokel. No one knew his age, because he always acted curly-brained. He didn't eat desserts like other boys when he was young, but put paintbrushes into his mouth and ears whenever he had the chance. He liked black paint the best. This produced some uncomfortable situations when Toby, the black man who owned the filling station, would see Champ with his black ears and mouth.

What drove Champ to this was the absolute diffidence of his Mother, a failed school marm. It did not help that Champ's Dad was a clod mover. Every day, from dawn to dusk, Champ's Dad, Champ Sr., moved wet clods of earth. He picked up clods and put them down somewhere else. There was no discernible pattern. Farmers would chase him. Champ Jr. took after Dad. Most nights there was a giant sop-clod on the dinner plate. It was enough.

One day when he was 12, Champ saw a horse. He named it "Champ" right away. It lived on a farm near the family's hovel. Champ began to accost it daily with paintbrushes until the horse kicked Champ hard in the face with both rear legs. Champ talked about "Champ" the horsie with less frequency. For a few weeks, Champ only ate soft, sodden clods.

Overall, Champ had a good life, until Champ Sr. killed him with the backswing of a square shovel. He put some peaty clods on Champ Jr's back, but then he heard the dinner bell and had to go home.

The Point of Fudge

Fudge only exists to fudge. It has no other purpose. Fudge is fudge and you cannot convince it otherwise. Kat, Neitzche and Judy Blume all know about fudge, and its irrefutability. When it has a child it calls it Craggy Fudge. Fudge.

Fudge

How Not to Store Cash: A Public Service Announcement

If you store your cash like this, it will be robbed. Burglars know what the money symbol means. It means money. Stay one step ahead of burglars, robbers and footpads by following these few simple tips.

DO NOT STORE MONEY:

• In a sack that is labeled "money".
  
• Under a sign with the word "money" on it and a down arrow
• Outside in a "Money Shed"

BETTER ALTERNATIVES:
Good.


Better

Best

NOTE: Do not store actual leprosy in leprosy bag.

Larry, Flying Old Guy

Larry was 67, but he could fly.

"I don't fly much," said Larry. "On account of the traffic." Larry turned down the volume on his TV. He was watching People' s Court.

"Can't stand these new shows, just a bunch of jailbait having sex with each other. We didn't call that entertainment when I was young. We called it sinful." Larry's wings bristled when he said this.

"And I don't much mind what a man does behind closed doors in his own home, but do the gays have to be on every show? Seriously. It' s downright shameful."

Larry adjusted the way he was sitting. His right wing started wildly flapping.

"Aagh!"

Larry tucked his wing under his arm until the movement ceased.

"Goddamn wings."

Get Your Red Hots

Fans at Nakamiri Sport Stadium Complex have not been taking well to the new vending machines installed at the stadium.

The new machines, designed by famous Turkish sculptor, Retzchich Azdulab, are "meant to evoke the human condition" in concert goers and sports fans. Instead, concessionaires have found sales tumbling as patrons are reluctant to use the giant human-shaped machines.

The machines serve sodas and beer from a spigot mounted between the figure's legs, while an adjacent bucket holds hot nacho cheese and a ladle. However, most customers will spend up to fifteen minutes searching the back and sides of the figure for any other alternatives.

"We go through two-hundred ketchup pack-oo, one game." says Tako Hannachita, Food and Beverage Manager at the stadium. Because condiments are located in the figure's armpits, they are a popular item.

Stadium management plans to replace the figures next week. In their place will be standard vendor stalls, manned by local teens in paper hats. Sociologists at nearby Hannura University, however, are urging management to leave the statues in place.

"They represent a valuable source of study", stated Desmon E. Whismith, Professor Emeritus. "We can learn into which holes a person is willing to reach for forage-items, and which bodily areas make them slightly more uncomfortable at an emergence point for consumables."

The statues will be moved to a nearby park upon their removal. No word whether snacks and refreshments will remain available.